Don't be the a** hole in the conversation
Or how to help others feel seen.
Are you a conversation dominator? Maybe you need to practice taking up more space in a conversation? The essay this week focuses on why asking questions is healthier and productive for us as humans who just want to be heard and seen. Also sharing a resource about what trust actually is and some interesting therapy related articles that I hope you will find enriching and enlightening.
Picture this: You are excited to meet up with a friend. You sit down, order your coffee, and the conversation starts up. You are excitedly asking questions about her new business, her kids’ soccer, her husband’s travels. Your interest and curiosity is genuine. You love hearing about your friend’s life - you feel invigorated and connected. After 20 or so minutes has passed and your coffee is turning cold, you realize that your friend has not paused to offer any interest in you. You add in how you understand blah blah blah or insert an anecdote about something she shared but it is seemingly missed. In your mind you go through a series of bullet points about why this is happening.
She is so excited to share that she cannot contain it
She has not seen another human, let alone friend, in days
She doesn’t have the energy to ask and hold space for me
She sucks at conversational skills
She is an unaware human, likes to brag, and has no need for real true connection
She wants to impress me
You work hard to maintain empathy and hope - hope that it is simply an oversight on her part but you realize that this is a pattern with this friend and you start to grow weary of how to continue this friendship.
You have been there, right? You meet a potential new friend or partner (or maybe someone you have known for quite a while) and they don’t ask a single question about you or stop to acknowledge something you shared. They just plow on through sharing more and more about themselves. You feel like you could literally get up and walk out and they would keep talking. And honestly, your feelings are pretty hurt by this.
The Harvard Business Review shared an article about the importance of asking questions and its impact - here are a few highlights from the article.
“Be a good listener.” Dale Carnegie advised in his 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. “Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.” More than 80 years later, most people still fail to heed Carnegie’s sage advice. …among the most common complaints people make after having a conversation, such as an interview, a first date, or a work meeting, is “I wish [s/he] had asked me more questions” and “I can’t believe [s/he] didn’t ask me any questions.”
They cite a recent Harvard led research study that found the following among participants:
People who were randomly assigned to ask many questions were better liked by their conversation partners and learned more about their partners’ interests. For example, when quizzed about their partners’ preferences for activities such as reading, cooking, and exercising, high question askers were more likely to be able to guess correctly. Among the speed daters, people were more willing to go on a second date with partners who asked more questions. In fact, asking just one more question on each date meant that participants persuaded one additional person (over the course of 20 dates) to go out with them again.
While I do think it is important to understand how asking questions can make us more informed and likable people, I am still interested in knowing why people don’t ask more questions. One idea the article shared was that “people may be egocentric—eager to impress others with their own thoughts, stories, and ideas (and not even think to ask questions). Perhaps they are apathetic—they don’t care enough to ask, or they anticipate being bored by the answers they’d hear.”
What is scary to me is the apathy part - what if it is true that we have become so into ourselves that we have stopped being interested in others.
(Side note: I dare to say that my job as a therapist has heavily influenced my conversational skills and my tendency to slip into question/listening mode (an idea I want to explore further) and therefore impacts how I exist in relationship with others so maybe I am being a bit critical.)
Maybe …you are that person. You struggle to know how or when to ask your friend about their life. You are not sure how to structure a back and forth conversation. Maybe you are in a spot of not having energy to hold space for others. Maybe you are struggling in a way that makes it difficult to connect.
If you raised your hand and had the epiphany of “oh shit, I don’t know anything about my friends” then here are a few starting points for practicing your question mode:
Ask them to go deeper - “Oh wow! I would love to hear more!”
Follow up on something they shared about last time i.e. an event they were attending, a vacation, their kid, literally anything they mentioned last time you spoke.
When I know the person is an expert in something, I may ask them about it so that I too can learn more about it. “I know you run that Taylor Swift account. Do you think she will make it to the Super Bowl? What do you think of her carbon emissions?
Acknowledge that being interested in others can be one of the most powerful tools in connection.
Being interested is oftentimes more important than being interesting.
- Ann Landers-
If you are someone who naturally ends up being a listener, here are a few ideas for shifting out of that:
Hey! I would love to share something with you, do you mind listening for a few minutes?
I am really interested in your feedback on something, do you mind listening while I tell the whole story?
Can I have the floor?
I really need some support right now, can you listen without offering feedback or your thoughts? I am not ready for solutions yet.
If you tend to struggle to take up space in conversations (raises hand), this might be hard. I get that setting an expectation or boundary feels too assertive or harsh but clarity, my friend, is your true bestie here and the clearer you are about what you need in the conversation the better your needs can be met.
Our world can feel so disconnected sometimes. I hope that this gentle reminder about the power of questions can be utilized in a way that deepens your relationships and keeps you feeling connected on days that are feeling hard
It is so brave to trust others. It is brave to be in relationship with others. Without trust, how do we grow in relationship and connection? I am reporting back with yet another Brene Brown resource this week to help us as we become braver more courageous humans. Once a week at least, I explore the idea of trust with clients. Often, a client gets stuck on deciding what trust exactly is and Brene clearly defines it here with this acronym: Visit the website linked to learn more details. I trust that you will find it helpful :)
The best font for ADHD folks: Clients teach me so much everyday. One of them shared that there is a font that is ADHD friendly (no research, just folk’s personal experience) and I thought it was fascinating. We are a world that caters to neurotypical folks so it feels nice that we are starting to see how we can be more inclusive of how others may best function and thrive.
One more client shared resource about ADHD - this one was FASCINATING! I learned so much about how ADHD folks can focus but often struggle with getting in the zone to focus (aka completing work). Once they are in the zone, they are golden. But the hows and whys of getting in the zone can be complicated. Often, procrastination is the thing that forces completion but does not always feel good.
My week felt claustrophobic at best. I created a tight schedule for clients, put pressure on myself to get this newsletter done, and not enough time to reflect and brainstorm about business development because I was too busy doing my business. I keep coming back to this post from
about saying no to productivity culture this year. My exhaustion this week, my irritability, my lack of capacity to cope - this is all due to my need to be productive. It is a vicious cycle in my silly brain - work more means I save more and avoid the scarcity money mindset that I struggle to leave behind. But when I work more I don’t have space for friends or have the capacity to be present for my husband and kids. I should print this piece she wrote out and paste it to my face. As her substack is so aptly called, I need to work on changing the channel.
I love adding a yoga shape of the week to my newsletter, to continue to encourage us to find embodiment, but it is not in the cards this week. Thanks for reading. You are loved. I see your light. I leave you with a beautiful song by my favorite, Noah Kahan.
**Disclaimer: The stuff you find on this website or in our online yoga and therapy antics is meant for laughs and general info only. It's not a stand-in for serious medical or therapeutic wisdom. Before you embark on any new yoga moves or delve into our therapeutic shenanigans, consult your healthcare pal. Participation is your choice, and we won't be held responsible for any sudden interpretive dance injuries.
Think of the links we share like those quirky friends—we're not vouching for their quirks. By using this place, you're saying, "I get it, it's all in good humor." If you don't agree, kindly exit stage left and seek advice from the serious folks. Laughter is the best medicine, but sometimes you need a prescription.” (-Thank you ChatGPT for this lovely disclaimer.)
Loved this! You kind of alluded to this in there, but I really struggle with the balance, because we know we can absolutely slip into therapist most and ask so many questions/only ask questions. I noticed that so much in the first 5 or 6 years of my career. I’ve scaled back but now I worry I may have scaled too far back. Although I suspect I’m not even close. I’m always so aware when I “have the floor.”
Oh it is one of my absolute pet hates when people don't ask questions. I struggle to interrupt and offer a story about myself because I assume they are not interested, and I don't want to share my personal details with someone who's not interested! Thanks for articulating this so well 😊