Capacity for...nothing. Again.

How you can learn to listen to your body and mind so you can have the capacity to live.

(How many pop song lyrics can I include in one post?)

It’s Me. Hi. I’m the problem it’s me. Me, the one who is unable to be creative. Be open. Be hopeful. Remember a friend’s birthday. Respond to a simple text. I have been here before and why am I here again? You would think that as I get older and wiser that I would find ways to avoid being at this exhausting place where I am depleted and tired.

Ever since I moved into a new office space and subsequently decided to move into a new office building, I have slowly been depleting my capacity.

After reading

Chris Guillebeau

‘s interview with Emma Gannon on well being and capacity, I have become more in tune and attuned to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically. Something about this concept really resonated.

I know that I’m in a good place mentally when I have capacity. Capacity for others, for myself, for a friend in need, for my work. I can respond to a text, or take an unexpected call, or take an impromptu walk without feeling like something is being taken from me.

I like the word ‘capacity’, it makes me think of a wide airy space, an open sky, lungs breathing in fully, or a calendar with blank slots. When I have no capacity for a short walk, bath, journaling, or reading, and I start to feel panicky, I know that something has to change and this often means sacrificing something else.

When I have no capacity for things, I can’t think about what is next for my beautiful new office space. I cannot think critically or creatively. And most importantly, I worry that I cannot be mindful and present with my clients. And kids and friends and husband. So honestly, I just feel like I suck at all areas of life when I am at this tipping point.

So what does a therapist do when they realize they are doling out suggestions and asking clients to take care of themselves and listen to their bodies, and well, their messy therapist is doing almost none of it?

They get their shit together and practice what they preach.

In the last few weeks week, I have been setting clear boundaries around my time. I have said no. I have said maybe next time. I have said I am at capacity, I cannot take on anything extra right now. I have not answered phone calls and I have stayed the f off social media.

I have really really listened to my body. I have practiced the pause before moving forward. I have slowed down my running and stopped looking at my pace on my watch. I am cooking and eating meals that nourish me…knowing that maybe tonight I need a warm bowl of spaghetti and the next I need a cold crisp salad.

It feels different to sit in this space of asking my parts what we need. To listen and respond and not react. To not people please and to not work to over compensate to prove how great and enough I am. Look at me doing all the things and balancing all the plates.

I wish for all of you to know where and what YOUR capacity is. To know when you are nearing the top or the sides or the peaks or the depths of it. The bare bones soul sucking bone dry no capacity version. To hear and feel the warning signs that something is off. To respect what is instead of what you should be able to tolerate. To practice the shift of “I should have done this…” to “Next time I will try this…”

I wish for you to honor the relationship with yourself instead of the relationship with others. To value your time over others value of it. To notice the glimmers instead of run right past them. To feel the energy of your favorite friend so that you can build your capacity back and respect the edges of it all.

While all of these words and stories are inspirational or validating, how the heck do you actually start to listen and learn about your capacity? Let’s break it down into some attainable and doable pieces:

• Notice how your body feels when you commit to something or respond to someone’s request (this could be saying yes to something, deciding if and how to respond to a phone call or text) - do you feel your heart rate change, the pressure in your chest increase, your shoulders or jaw tense? Use that as feedback as to how you should proceed.

• If you are feeling stress when you commit or respond, maybe you need more time and need to honor that space of reflection. Most things don’t need an immediate response.

• What comes up when someone asks you for something or needs you? (I notice that I have little capacity when I think “how dare someone text me to ask me for something! Don’t they know I am busy!?!?”)

• Have you eaten?

• Have you had water?

• Do you need to breathe? Step outside? Dance around to a song?

• Remember that in the growing and learning process of setting boundaries, we will experience discomfort. This discomfort however, can often help us avoid long term dysfunction. Just because something feels uncomfortable in the moment does not mean that it is the wrong thing. Our younger parts who are weary of new things need to know this and reminded often.

• Turn off the podcast, music, television and listen. Often, when you begin to attune and hear your inner voice you will be able to discern how to move forward next.

• Stop. Breathe. Be. (I heard this exact phrase on a podcast dedicated to understanding and managing our stress more effectively - highly recommend!)

• Go to therapy!

• Check out the idea of the Window of Tolerance - I love this model created by Dr. Dan Siegel. It helps us understand that under stressful times, our window/ability to tolerate stress can lessen and we must learn and be aware of the signs that we are about to enter hyper or hypo arousal states - places where we may not be able to make the best decisions or find our selves numbing out.

I know these times of feeling over capacity are temporary. I know that I will bounce back and be able to answer my friend’s call the first time around and remember that I have a birthday calendar book so help me stay on top of things. But I MUST MUST ensure that I am doing things to pour into my capacity to cope, to strengthen my bandwidth, to widen my window.

I tell you these stories about my life not to brag and say “oh hey look at me and how insightful and in tune I am and how I am so good at noticing and bouncing back.”

I tell you because I am a human and being a human is so hard sometimes and even a person with all the tools in their special tool belt needs to be reminded to use those tools. They can’t build the house with their hands and willpower and inspirational quotes from Instagram.

Pull up a notes section in your phone now and jot down the following:

• What physical sensations do you notice before, during, and after your next interaction that causes you discomfort.

• What are the warning signs that your capacity is almost at 0?

• What people/experiences that cost you energy and time? Are you sure you want to share your energy and time with them/the thing?

• Notice and reflect on the people that help you build capacity.

• What are the activities that build back your capacity?

• Who can hold you accountable to help you respect your capacity limits?

Knowledge is power baby and as Maya Angelou says “do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

**Disclaimer: The stuff you find on this website or in our online yoga and therapy antics is meant for laughs and general info only. It's not a stand-in for serious medical or therapeutic wisdom. Before you embark on any new yoga moves or delve into our therapeutic shenanigans, consult your healthcare pal. Participation is your choice, and we won't be held responsible for any sudden interpretive dance injuries.

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