I wouldn’t marry me either.
Pathological people pleaser (T Swift).
Early in life I knew it was important to be good. Be on time. Smile. Do what your parents ask you to do. Point your toe, suck in your tummy, lengthen your arms as you move across the stage gracefully, please the audience, your ballet teacher, everyone. Say yes. Say yes sir. Say “of course, that is no problem.” Be good.
The shape of me began to be the shape of them as I learned how to be good. I began to shape my responses and beliefs as to not disappoint. I shrank myself to allow others the space to grow. I took the smaller room, the smaller role so that the other person could succeed. I let others have parts of me they didn’t ask for or want. Maybe if you just make them comfortable they’ll like you, I thought.
At some point the line blurred between doing kind things because it felt good and doing kind things for others so I could feel as though I was enough.
Maybe you seek your enoughness in other ways? I seek mine by people pleasing.
In Billie Eilish’s painfully beautiful song What was I made for? she softly sings, not too loud or too harsh, when did it end? all the enjoyment…think I forgot how to be happy, something I’m not, but something I can be. It pains me to think that I have allowed myself to stop listening to my knowing in order to please others. Was I made for others only to please them, I wonder often?
The last few weeks have been extremely stressful as I navigate a move to a new office space. I had to displease many people with this decision. I had to make others uncomfortable to make myself comfortable. The morning I was to share my decision, I had that song playing in my head …what was I made for…what was I made for?…I had to keep reminding myself that I was not made for this…a life where my needs finish last.
I am still reeling from the moment I shattered this person with my choice to please myself. As I remember, my heart tightens and quickens. My cheeks blush. Her words of disappointment and disapproval spinning and circling around in my head. The anger and sadness in her eyes, it all feels like too much.
Learning to listen to my needs and believe they are important isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to suck. But as long as I avoid disappointing others then I will always disappoint myself.
My people pleasing comes out in big and small ways: a simple “sure I’ll do it” when I really mean no, a big financial sacrifice instead of choosing to save money, taking the smaller slice of pizza, always moving to the slow lane if someone is behind me, giving a gift because someone gave me one. I give compliments and my time away like mold growing in a damp dark space- mostly unseen but multiplying by the minute, by now I’ve forgotten what it feels like to choose organically. Am I in this relationship because I want to be? Did I share that accolade because I meant it?
The last few months I’ve been searching for an office space solution (more like grueling tearful journey) with my colleague Allison and she’s witnessed my knack for pleasing others. Recently she has gently begun to push back by saying “hi, is this you or is this you people pleasing?” It’s been hard and wonderful. A reminder that I am cared for even while bending and reshaping myself.
While my journey is over to find a new space, the true journey is only beginning as I practice and find how to show up better for myself. Right now I’m just noticing, pausing, reflecting, and shifting when I can, where I can. It’s nothing groundbreaking or earth shattering, but it’s a start. I’m speaking kindly to the part that wants to bend to others to not break their heart…it’s just that mine gets broken in the process and I am simply no longer made for that.
As I wrapped up the day hardest day I had had in a long time, Allison shared the beautiful words of Mary Oliver:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
‘no’
might make them angry
but
it will make you free. —if no one has ever told you, your freedom is more important than their anger.
The first lines from this poem hit deep this week. I read this as I tossed and turned in bed the other night willing my anxiety to go away and it was a (brief) salve to my pain.
I have been following
since I learned about her online platform for licensure supervision for therapists. She shares concise and thought provoking newsletters and she recently migrated to Substack. This one resonated in particular as I was drafting this people pleasing post. Here is a snippet:Somewhat unsurprisingly, Dr. Tsabury says most therapists struggle with the savior persona.
The savior fills an inner void by seeking to ease the suffering of others.
She says, “Those of us who are saviors deflect the loss of our authentic self by focusing on others. This allows us to maintain a persona of goodness, even superiority. The savior feels a sense of competence by rushing to another’s rescue. The fixing gives her focus and redirection.”
Nailed it. She references the book Radical Awakening by Dr. Shefali Tsabury. I ordered the book on the spot (I know, I DO NOT need anymore books) and I will report back on what I learn.
There is something so grounding and peaceful when I read
’s posts. I am not sure if it is her writing style or the vulnerable pieces she shares but please check her out. She is a psychotherapist in England and writes often about internal family systems, my one true therapy love.Callie Vinson is a FORCE in the ultra running world and I cannot get enough of her work in the Instagram space.
Tree pose came to mind immediately when I thought of my people pleasing tendencies. I could move into the hardest version of tree pose (vrksasana) to please the teacher or, I could find what feels good in my body today. My hope in this shape is to imagine finding growth while staying planted right where I need to be.
Find yourself in mountain pose. Feet firmly planted on the ground, toes pressing into the earth, notice where you are. When you’re ready, with confidence, inhale in. Find a point on the wall in front of you to keep you focused. Exhale. Inhale. Slowly begin to pull your right foot off the earth. You can place your heel on the inside of your ankle, ball of your foot touching the earth. From here, you can stay and breathe. Or, you can continue to pull your foot up to meet the inside of your calf or maybe you are ready to place it inside your thigh. You can even use your hand to gently place your foot where you would like it. You can place your hands in prayer or slowly lift them high above your head. With confidence, imagine in your mind’s eye that you are growing. Your feet firmly planted on the earth, your head reaching higher towards the blue skies with each inhale and exhale. Sway and bend with the wobbles while staying planted in your sense of self.
Thank you for reading this week’s Messy Therapist newsletter. I feel really proud of this one and I am looking forward to this journey of unraveling into my true self.
**Disclaimer: The stuff you find on this website or in our online yoga and therapy antics is meant for laughs and general info only. It's not a stand-in for serious medical or therapeutic wisdom. Before you embark on any new yoga moves or delve into our therapeutic shenanigans, consult your healthcare pal. Participation is your choice, and we won't be held responsible for any sudden interpretive dance injuries.
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Lindsey, I so connected with this piece. My southern lady self was raised to be very good and at times martyr-like. And what a nasty web that left me in...It's a daily journey "unsticking" myself.
I wrote my thesis on Arlene Francis, a woman of many successes, but whose primary goal was being liked by everyone. In her 70s when writing her memoir and reflecting on her life, she wrote, "I wish someone had told me when I was little that the whole world doesn't have to think you're adorable." I think of this often.
This piece. Your daughter. I’m crying. Lovely to meet you Lindsey. My son was the first person I felt I could truly be my whole self with, he kicked off my people pleasing recovery, and much of that is inspired by my want to provide a strong example of choosing ourselves (in a non selfish way).
I know you said you don’t need to read anymore books (same) but have you read UNTAMED by Glennon Doyle?
The messages she has for her children are SO POWERFUL.
Xx