losing ground.
(James Bay - Let It Go if you want a little soundtrack while you read this)
This week felt crazy. I moved my office space, painted, got new furniture, and set out to create a new warm and cozy therapy office. I felt like I would never pull it off and I would never again feel comfortable in my space again. I felt like there was not enough time. Not enough time to screw on outlet covers, get the plants in the window just right, not enough time for Tetris with the furniture. These examples are such minuscule and silly problems (maybe first world-ish if that is okay to say!?). In the midst of all the chaos and sadness my clients are sharing about - how could something so silly be so overwhelming for me. I really struggled to allow myself to lean into this feeling of losing ground. I felt unhinged actually. I was yelling at my son because he asked me a question. I was impatient with my daughter because she would not clean up her Barbies. I got irritated with my husband because he was not doing things fast enough. I did not feel like myself. I thought my best friend was abandoning me. Everybody needed something from me and I felt like just being done.
One warning sign that I am not being clear about my boundaries or I am overexerting myself is when a text message comes through. I get angry and think “how dare they think they can ask me something.” It is my clear warning sign that I need to pull back and pause. Usually, I pull my journal out and write down all that is filling my brain. It does not fix anything really, but it gives perspective and helps the swirling thoughts in my head feel a little more organized. And then…more often than not I start my period a few days later. Yep - its not like I did not know it was gonna happen soon.
But not to minimize my experience into this, I also fully acknowledge that I have had a lot going on this year and what I have been feeling was a culmination of unexpressed emotions. My therapy practice continues to be insanely busy. While this is an amazing thing and my GRATITUDE is never ending, it is incredibly hard to turn people away. I hate telling them that I am full and that I am probably the 42nd person who has said this to them. It takes an emotional toll on me. As does the blinking message button on my phone reminding me that I have not checked messages in 3 years it seems.
My Mom has been ill too. She is better but the concern and worry that I held was overwhelming. She lives far away and it has not been easy to see her. Luckily, I could be with her and my Dad when she arrived home from the hospital but the anguish I have felt about not being there more often sucks.
Money continues to be a long lived burden of knowing if I am saving enough and feeling anxious every time I hit the purchase button. I am trying to find the right word between money scarcity and money abundance.
I quit my anti depressant. For no reason other than I have not made time to see my PCP for my yearly physical. Sad isn’t it? I am not following through on the things I tell my clients is so important.
Another one of my reminders that the time has come to reassess and find a way to ground is when my usual go to stress relievers are not helping. I run 2-3 times a week, do strength training 2-3 days a week with some yoga tossed in. I eat thoughtfully during the week, drink only on the weekend, and spend time with people I love. I make a to do list for everything. I keep up with my budgeting app. A daily phone call with my best friend happens almost 5 days a week, so when these things are not taking the edge off then I know its time to cool my shit down.
I tried a lot of things this week and honestly a lot did not help. I continued my When Things Fall Apart reading and it just barely touched the surface of my sadness and unhinged feeling.
So. Here we are. Homesick. Out of touch but holding on. I love writing about this because I know that this lack of embodiment is temporary. I will indeed inhabit my body again in a grounded and joyful way. I will be kind to my kids again. My husband won’t just tolerate me. He will love me well as he always does.
A friend said this week that I am having a “spatial transition” and she is spot on. It is crazy how moving can create a sense of chaos and disconnect. I am listening to my body and my heart and being compassionate towards myself while I have a hard time. I let the tears flow. I acknowledge to my people that I am having a hard time. I stay off social media. I take extra snuggles with my babies. I imagine the next dog we will get and I call my Mom (a luxury that I know not everyone has).
I write this to remind you that even as a therapist I am not perfect or always hinged together. My life is not curated beautifully with my lovely coping skills and routines and habits. Sometimes I eat too much and drink too much and quit an antidepressant cold turkey. But I am okay. I can be satisfied in this difficult moment trusting that I’ve got myself. My Self is seeing this through.
Things that brought me joy this week:
I listened to the new Olivia Rodrigo album on my run this morning. Check out making the bed. The lyrics really felt like they cut deep after how I felt this week. In particular: well, sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna be where I am. push away all the people who know me the best. but it’s me making the bed. I’m so tired of being the girl that I am. Every good thing has turned into something I dread. And I’m playing the victim so well in my head. But it’s me who’s been making the bed.”
I finished The Perfect Vintage by Chelsea Fagan. If you love an older woman younger man storyline with some steam - this is for you. The descriptions of France and a Chateau are just delicious.
TW: Disordered Eating thoughts below
I have been listening to a new podcast recommended by a dietitian friend. It is called RDs vs BS. I started the episode about the Whole 30 diet. I have completed one and attempted two others. I felt a bit embarrassed listening to this episode. I knew that doing the most recent one was a coverup to lose weight and do some restricting in a “healthy way.” Please note - I have the two books about it in the McKays donation bag.
Reconnecting with old friends! My dietitian (that is hard to spell) friend from Chattanooga presented a training on nutritional eating basics in Knoxville and I got to attend and we had a whole hour of catching up during lunch. I felt seen and loved. She asked me about myself and seemed genuinely interested to know about the minute details of my life. She asked for details and encouraged me to keep sharing about myself. My heart swelled with joy. She witnessed my vulnerability so well.
Thanks again for reading. Sharing is fun. Even about the yucky parts that suck. I am here with you on this chaotic and wild journey.
xo
Lindsey
