How to witness vulnerability.
How to witness vulnerability.
Can I get a witness?
Every single day as a therapist someone shares deep thoughts about themselves. They share about choices they are ashamed of, things that happened to them that they have never shared with another human being, embarrassing things they said to their partner, how they are a “shitshow”, that they were fired, or failed yet another relationship. I sit in the discomfort with them when they are at their most vulnerable. Tears running down their face. Tissues twisting within their fingers. I think I can say that I am an expert at this point at being with another and being a safe witness to their vulnerability.
As I mentioned last week in my writing about vulnerability hangover, it can feel absolutely awful to share details with others about our lives. So when someone decides to share these things with us, how can we be kind and thoughtful witnesses? Here are a few tips:
Listen. Duh. But how do you listen? You can listen with the need to understand, without judgement, by listening authentically (meaning you are not just hearing their words but also hearing the deeper meaning, emotions - whatever is beneath the words they are saying. DO NOT INTERRUPT! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
Ask for clarification (gently) if you are not quite following them or need more information to understand. It is okay to ask them to expand on their thoughts if they would like. Feeling understood and seen is a universal human desire so the more you can understand them, the better.
Look them in the eye. Do your best to make eye contact if you are comfortable with that. If you struggle with this, check in with your body language and try and turn towards them as they speak.
Ask questions if appropriate. If they are open, it may be helpful to ask questions about what they shared to continue the conversation so they feel your interest.
Inquire if they are looking for you to just listen or are interested in your thoughts/feedback. Be okay with whatever their answer is. Sometimes someone needs to find the solutions on their own and may not be ready to take action.
Thank them for sharing. “Gosh, I am honored that you would choose to share this with me. I will keep this private and if you want to talk or share more, I would love to listen.”
Honor their privacy. The worst thing you can do when someone shares something private and vulnerable is to go and share the “latest tea” with your friends. We build trust with others by being a vault when they share information.
It is rare to come upon someone or a conversation where there is a sense of deeper sharing or even reciprocity. Conversations and relationships are hard and I think we struggle to take the time to invest in deeper ones. Maybe we don’t even know how? Conversational skills are not really taught anymore because how do you develop these skills via text or email or DMs? Yep. You pretty much don’t. So when it comes to real life conversations I think we struggle to know how to behave and just be with another person. If someone is choosing to share something, be sure to show up for them how you would want them to show up for you. You might mess it up and that is okay. But keep trying. We all need and deserve to be in deeply connected relationships. It serves our body (and soul) good.
Weekly recs and loves from me!
Music: I have been on a major girl band binge lately and found the group Joseph. They are a group of 3 sisters from Oregon. Super cool and hipster vibe. The first track, Waves Crash, on their latest album, The Sun, hit hard.
I am not what I provide. I am not how hard I try…And if I’m not what I produce or make. Or how I make someone feel…What the hell am I?
I mean, damn. I feel like that captures so much of how I feel when I am at a low. I mean, who am I if I am not doing and giving to others?
Books: Still reading Meet Me at the Lake and It Starts with Food. Up next: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chadron.
Podcast: I took a break from We Can do Hard Things from Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle for a bit but they continue to deliver the goods. I am excited to listen to the episode with Dr. Becky Kennedy (Good Inside! Author) about lessening guilt!
Substack Binge: Anne Heller Peterson…she is the knower of all things. RushTok, Peloton, Running, Therapy, Body Positivity, Taylor Swift. You name it. She has written about it.
stay safe. xo
Lindsey