A vulnerability hangover.
A vulnerability hangover.
Maybe a cautionary tale.
A few months ago I was walking around the streets of NYC sharing my deepest fears and intimacies with one of my very best friends. We were there to see Taylor Swift - only a few months earlier she had surprised me with ticktes that she scored for face value. We all know how impossible that is. During our time together, I shared that sometimes I feel disconnected to who I really am. I see “her” (my highest Self) out there being a therapist, Mom, wife, disciplined runner, and perpetual saver. I see her making great choices with her life and yet…I feel disconnected from the joy of those choices, the contentment that she has, and the life that she has sought to give herself and her family. I *think* I struggled to articulate this experience because it felt like she did not get it. My heart hurt because I had shared such deep vulnerability and I did not feel understood. While I do know that she tried to make sense of what I was saying, it still felt paralyzing.
(Over the course of my time in therapy as well as time spent on my own growth outside of therapy, I have found that internal family systems speaks to me and how I see myself and the world. More on this topic later to share more about what “highest Self” means).
After getting home from the trip I felt…weird. I felt like I did the first time I went to therapy - that I had shared all of my insides and that they were still hanging outside my body. That she could still see all the ugly parts of me that I had shared, about my disordered eating, body dysmorphia, compassion fatigue, and frustration with important relationships but unwillingness to do anything about it made me feel hungover. I felt like it changed our relationship and that moving forward she would know these things and never see me the same. (My inner critic was saying things like “you know that she thinks you judge her, right? She won’t trust you ever again with her own struggles.”)
Clients often come to their first session and right away share all their history in one giant word vomit. I am okay with it and understand the need to get.it.all. out. This high level vulnerability (with someone they literally met, therapist or not) can be alot. At the next session, I sometimes ask how that first session felt, keeping in mind the chance of a vulnerability hangover. I acknowledge this potential and remind them that it is okay to take a slow pace in sharing if that feels better and more doable.
So what is vulnerability? I think our culture encourages us to be vulnerable in friendships, therapy, in intimate relationships and sure, that’s true, but does everyone deserve our unique vulnerability? Highly respected and loved researcher, writer, podcaster, all the things, Dr. Brene Brown has spent years studying this topic, here, and, here. TL:DR vulnerability she says is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. The unstable feeling we get when step outside of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to lose control. I heard vulnerability hangover somewhere and it totally fit - the feeling we get AFTER we share a part of ourselves to another and how we might spin out into an anxiety attack, get stuck on the moment we shared and the facial expressions involved, or the feeling of our body being heavy or uncomfortable.
I definitely felt out of control those days after sharing about my insecurities and felt like I had risked our friendship. I began to think that it was too risky to share such deep judgements about myself and others because of the potential consequences. So how did I (the perfect therapist friend) manage this vulnerability hangover? I sat with it. I pondered. I imagined worst case scenarios where she would end our friendship or tell me I was a judgmental and intolerant bitch. I self loathed while I sat with my feelings (don’t you hate when your therapist says you just have to “sit with it.”). Then she kept being my friend like she always has. We have not talked about the conversation since and I do want to circle back to some of the parts that I shared because I want her/need her to understand. But most importantly, she accepted me and my ugliness without skipping a beat. She did not make a weird expression or leave me alone to navigate the subway by myself. She just kept on moving forward.
When my clients ask about sharing a particular part of themselves with others (new friends or old, co workers or family), I often encourage them to take a pause and ask themselves if that person deserves to hear their story or hold their heart. Can that person offer what they need or can my client have enough self assuredness that if they don’t get back what they need/want/deserve, can they be okay with that? Often it’s trial by fire but I think the sharing of their vulnerable parts feels good and chaotic and emotional, but worth it. Just as often, I think, they have a vulnerability hangover like I did, even if it did go well. Sharing about ourselves, some of our deepest thoughts and insecurities is scary no matter who is hearing the details. The hangover sucks but the risk is oftentimes worth the reward: a deeper knowing of ourselves and maybe a deeper knowing of another as well.
Next up: How to witness another’s vulnerability…according to me.
Below, I am excited to start sharing my little recommendations (just like my new stan Leslie Stephens from Morning Person - a lovely young woman (oh my god I am old calling her that!) who is getting her degree in Mental Health Counseling and is an amazing storyteller and all around good human.
What I am reading:
Meet Me at the Lake by Carley Fortune (I love romance books in between thrillers and what I call my therapy books so that I can continue to be a better therapist for my clients).
It Starts with Food by Melissa Urban and Dallas Hartwig - a helpful read about how sugar, alcohol, etc. affects our body and our brain.
*I often have several books going at the same time…for a few minutes each night I read my “therapy” book and then switch to a lighter read.
I am loving Dr. Arielle Schwartz and her Yoga YouTube Channel that offers some amazing short videos for calming and regulating your nervous system. She is my therapy and yoga inspiration right now!
What I am listening to - I have finally taken a step back from my Taylor Swift Era and am listening to BoyGenius' Not Strong Enough and Trousdale's This is it
I LOVE podcasts when I get a few minutes alone in the car. My weekly subscribes include Bad On Paper (they talk about books and writing), and Light Up the Couch which is for clinicians and discusses various topics like how to support clients with suicidal ideations, therapy vs coaching, etc.
If you have gotten this far… THANK YOU! :)
with love xo
Lindsey
