I love a good self help book. Although I hate calling them self help books -I prefer to call them my “therapy books” or “self growth” books. I have had to restrain myself from ordering any book on the spot that is recommended to me that is directly related to or adjacent to what I do everyday. I prefer books by licensed or folks educated in the field of which they are writing. I prefer books that are a bit niche. I try and avoid memoirs by famous people writing about what helped them heal (although those do have a place in the writing world. You know I will be first in line for Taylor Swift’s “13 things that helped me through my breakup” book if it ever comes out!).
Recommending books as a part of my client’s healing journey is vital. I don’t often assign homework, but I do often share books or assign them a podcast to listen to that can reinforce or help them explore the struggle they are having. Over the years, I have found several “therapy books” that I often am referring back to or encouraging client’s to read. Here you go:
The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyumbomirksy. I refer to this book so often that I may be on copy 2 or 3 of this one. Ms. Lyumbomirsky starts the book with a pie chart about happiness: 50% of our happiness is as a set point (based on genetics and predisposition), 40% is based on what choices we make in our lives to bring happiness into our lives and 10% is based on our circumstances. She also explains what happiness is and what it is not. She talks a lot about money and beauty and things. Next, she encourages the reader to take a quiz to help them determine what of the 12 activities are they more likely to do and most likely to benefit from. I love the breakdown of 12 happiness activities in the book and why they are proven to be beneficial. The 12 activities include: expressing gratitude, cultivating optimism, avoiding overthinking and comparison, practicing acts of kindness, nurturing relationships, developing strategies for coping, learning to forgive, increasing flow experiences, savoring life’s joys, committing to your goals, practicing spirituality, taking care of your body. The point is not to do them all or everyday or all of the time, but to find the ones that truly bring you joy, increase your peace, and help you find contentment. Not once in these activities does it say that you should buy more stuff or make more money to be happier. Will refer back to this book for many years to come.
Atomic Habits by James Clear is another book that I pull out in sessions often. Surprising huh? It is not about trauma or anxiety but some of the very clear and applicable ideas are really helpful and specific to help a client begin implementing more helpful habits in their daily life. I think people believe that creating habits is hard but with the right cues in place they can be prompted to engage in that new behavior and over time it becomes more natural and organic. Motivation to change or start something new is simply not enough! We need a cue in our environment to remind us what we are working towards and want to do instead. “By sprinkling triggers throughout your surroundings, you increase the odds that you’ll think about your habit throughout the day. Make sure the best choice is the obvious one. Making a better decision is easy and natural when the cues for good habits are right in front of you (p. 86, Atomic Habits).” I have noticed this week that I am eating a lot more candy. While it is Halloween, it is all around me - in a basket, a bag in my desk, and on the counter at home. I am craving it more because it is right in front of my face. Rarely do we have candy at home or at my office so I never eat it or seek it out or even think about wanting it - but right in front of my face? It is all I can do to stop myself from mindlessly grabbing a piece during a therapy session. Once it is gone, I won’t buy more and my habit of eating this week will likely be gone simply because there is no cue in my environment that I want it.
The book gives clear steps on how to build heathy habits and undo unhealthy ones. I love its clarity and the psychology behind why we struggle to implement ones and get rid of ones that don’t serve us anymore. *James Clear is not a clinical professional or educated in psychological/therapeutic principals. The book includes a large reference section in which he cites his research and what helped him build this book and these concepts which I appreciate.
Attached by Dr. Amir Levin and Rachel Heller is a book that I needed before I got married. The book describes different types of attachment styles (manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships) as adults. While I recognize that a lot of this book was written with romantic partnerships in mind, I do think many of the concepts can apply to friendships as well. The book gives a cheat sheet on types of attachment (secure, anxious, avoidant p.65) and from there you can either read the whole book or go to the chapter you most likely identify with or think your partner identifies with. For me, I usually land in the anxious category. The feedback they had for me was really helpful. For example, I often use protest behavior (p. 86) to reconnect with my husband if I am feeling unsettled. I might act engrossed in a book (i.e. ignoring him) or keep score of what I have done at home vs what he has. While I cannot find the exact point in the book when it mentions this, I have learned to practice the pause. I have begun to recognize when I want to engage in these protest behaviors and likely need to slow my roll before engaging in them. They are destructive and hurtful, not just to me but to him as well.
I think this book captures the struggles of many folks who are not just in a relationship but trying to find a partner. I loved the stories they told to highlight the difficulties they were explaining and even quizzed me at the end of to see if I was able to point out which attachment style was at play. While it may be hard to nail down how to execute some of these suggestions in every day life and dating, it does give an excellent starting point for those who value and intend to partner up for the long term.
Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness by David Treleaven is an excellent read on what trauma is, how it impacts our mind and body, and how to carefully use mindfulness if we are healing from hard things. Before this, I had never considered that encouraging my clients to be mindful or meditate could potentially trigger them. Some people who have experienced trauma do not yet feel safe inside of their bodies so asking them to go within or attend to the sensations inside could be triggering and upsetting. “In all likelihood, they’ll be brought face to face with unintegrated remnants of trauma: feelings of terror and helplessness, or disturbing memories or images…it can quickly become overwhelming. Survivors are scared of their internal experience for a reason (p. 21).” I loved the practicality of this book for many reasons as if offers not only a solid foundation for understanding trauma but also teaches other tools in which to help others heal and find more emotional regulation throughout their day. He explores the window of tolerance, important principles related to trauma sensitive mindfulness, and he reminds us that trauma recovery occurs within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation (a quote from Judith Herman, an early researcher of trauma). Highly recommend for a clinician and client alike. (I literally just hugged this book as I put it back in my bag. It is beautifully and thoughtfully written).
Things I loved from the internet this week:
Since we have already talked about James Clear, I thought I would add one more thing. He sends a really short and to the point weekly newsletter. Within it, he shares thoughtful ideas for creating habits and also includes bits and pieces of inspiring quotes from others related to growth. This one particularly caught my eye:
Many people view their habits and routines as obstacles or, at the very least, obligations to get through. Making the morning coffee, driving your kids to the next activity, preparing the next meal—we often see our routines as chores to be completed.
But these are not moments to be dismissed. They are life. Making coffee can be a peaceful ritual—perhaps even a fulfilling one—if done with care rather than rushed to completion. It’s about the amount of attention you devote to these simple moments, and whether you choose to appreciate them or bulldoze through them on the way to the next task.
Find the beauty and joy in your daily rituals and you will find beauty and joy in your daily life. To love your habits is to love your days, and to love your days is to love your life.
Lately, I have been doing a gratitude journal each morning. I have been using this app that I accidentally subscribed to for a whole year ($41 ughhhh) but I am glad I accidentally did because now I will force myself to get the most use out of it. I hate that when you do a trial you have to remember to go back and cancel because before you know it you have subscribed to all the things. There is a connection here to the above quote, I promise…anyway! I find that it is the most mundane and simple things that make the list each day: steaming cup of coffee, lemon chia water, hanging with friends at specific things, smiles from my kids, a text from a friend, my husband starting the laundry and cleaning out the dishwasher and starting the coffee. I realize that the small things are what makes my life so joyful and full of purpose, rarely those big moments. Sure, a vacation or big trip will make the list but what is most fulfilling to me are these little glimmers of love and goodness and sweet moments shared with friends and strangers. I find that the simple moments with my kids - walking to the park, asking them to help with dinner, and helping with homework (sometimes, because gah 5th grade math is hard as shit) are the ones that bring me so much warmth.
Podcasts - If you don’t know already, I am a swiftie. I don’t know when it happened but it is real. Slowly and then all at once maybe? For the past few years I have been listening to this podcast Every Single Album - Taylor Swift that reviews every one of her albums (and now her tour and movie) and gives insider information and they rank songs and discuss things like favorite lyrics or songs that could have been left off. It is not academic or helpful to the quality of my work as a therapist or person but it brings me so much damn joy. So who cares! Why should we always feel as if we have to be learning stuff.
Finally, I have to say that I have loved writing this newsletter even though no one reads it. However, my inbox just let me know that a new therapist I follow on this platform liked one of my posts. Holy shit! Someone saw it. OH SHIT!
Thanks for reading. Stay safe.
xo
Lindsey