A guide to support hurting people

How to show up in small but significant ways

I was standing in front of the deli counter years ago after receiving a devastating call about the loss of a loved one. Do I get turkey? Ham? What kind of cheese? Why is this important? In my cart I had already tossed some toilet paper, kleenex, and paper plates. I had never done this alone - showing up for someone I loved deeply amidst the most tragic loss of their lives. I called my parents as the tears brimmed my eyes, a reflection of myself bouncing off the clear glass deli counter window, small and sad. My parents have always known these things - what to do in any situation when it comes to people. Bring something for the hostess when you attend a party. Send a card. Acknowledge the loss. Say Thank You. Show up.

Moments like these are so hard because it’s easy to question everything about how you show up. Maybe you spin out and forget what is happening because you’re crafting the perfect text or ordering the right meat and cheese. Maybe our brains are doing that on purpose - absorbing ourselves in stupid details instead of facing and being with the reality of the loss.

I am no stranger to supporting those in pain and not just because I am a therapist. I have been shown that loss includes many things beyond the loss of life. Grief can include the loss of a marriage, job/business, pets, financial stability, friendships, partners, sobriety, churches, and even losing the plans for what you thought your life would look like.

Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash

Below are a few tips and reminders in how to show up for others in times of loss. I hope I can offer you small ways to show love to yourself and others during these upsetting and uncomfortable experiences.

• Send a text, an email, a DM, or a courier pigeon. It is okay not to know what to say. But say something. Simple and straightforward. An emoji will suffice.

  • I heard about the death of your partner. I know there are no words to make this pain go away, but I see you and I’m thinking of you. I will follow up in the coming days to check-in. No need to respond.

• You may not hear back from them or get an acknowledgment of your gesture. They may have many people reaching out and likely cannot respond to every message. REACH OUT ANYWAY. They will remember that you made an effort.

• If you show up to their home to offer support, be mindful of how you take up space. When my best friend’s father died I distinctly remember a woman quietly washing dishes, putting food in Tupperware, refilling toilet paper and tissues, writing down who dropped off what, among other things. She was a beautiful model of how to show up in a grief space both quietly and respectfully.

• Remember that another’s grief experience may not be an invitation for you to share your own. See: Opting Out of the Pain Olympics by our resident boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab.

• Be mindful of how you use spiritual affirmations. Clients report that religious or spiritual affirmations can sometimes be offensive and unhelpful. Statements like “they are in a better place” or “everything happens for a reason” could be heard as tone-deaf. The hurting person may think “That better place is with me!” While these ways of support can be earnest and reflective of how you feel, be sure you know the spiritual space your friend is in before offering these types of thoughts. It might be better to offer these statements weeks or months after the loss.

• “Let me know what you need” is a common way to show support but it is putting the onus on the hurting person to reach out and ask for help. I imagine they are already feeling overwhelmed and will likely not ask for anything. Furthermore, they may have no clue what they need at this moment. Offer your friend a series of choices so there is minimal labor on their part. You might start the text or email with:

  Hi! I wanted to offer a variety of ways to support you right now. Please pick one that feels best for you!

1. Drop coffee at your house or pickup an order you place at the local shop, I can stop in or not.

2. Make a casserole of poppyseed chicken and drop it on the front porch for dinner.

3. Bring over some ice cream and sit and talk about Taylor Swift or whatever you need to say.

4. Pick up your kids from school, feed them, and return them exhausted.

5. I’m okay right now!

• Ask them if they would like to share how they are doing and what parts of the story they are ready or willing to share. Avoid asking “Are you okay?” Maybe try “How are you holding up?” “How are you feeling today?” “Would you like to talk about how you have been doing?”

• Avoid making assumptions about how they are behaving. Don’t assume that because they are not crying they are not sad. Many folks are not comfortable crying in front of others and don’t see crying as a necessary part of grief.

• If appropriate, share an anecdote about the person or pet who has died. When our sweet pup died a few years ago, I loved hearing people’s memories of him, how he was in every picture that we took even if it was just his paws or tail.

• While it is not the hurting person’s job to support you, it is okay to be emotional with them. Being tearful while you hug them could validate their pain and create a deeper connection of understanding and community around the loss.

• It is okay to feel the loss deeply, too even if the loss is not directly related to you. Seeing our parents or friends grieve can be devastating and hard. Be sure to take care of yourself in this experience, too.

• Check in days, weeks, and months after the loss. Set a reminder in your phone if you have to. The days immediately following a loss can be busy and eventful. The time when your person may need you the most are the days when it is quiet, when the loss begins to sink in.

The more options and ideas we have the better. We are all so disconnected at times that moments of loss and tragedy can be moments to bring us back together.

More resources:

Modern Loss - Candid Conversations about Grief. Beginners Welcome.

It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

What Is Your Grief

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

How do you show up for hurting friends and family? What is something someone did for you that was loving and life-giving when you were in pain?

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